Conversations About Infertility

Part I: What is infertility?

Part II: Tips and tools for those who suffer from infertility

Part III: Tips and tools to help friends and family talk with those who are suffering from infertility

Part IV: Resources for those working through infertility

PART ONE

What is Infertility?

Infertility is when a couple has trouble conceiving a child. This can include primary infertility, secondary infertility, and/or unexplained infertility.

Primary infertility is when a couple try to conceive a child for a year without a pregnancy or haven't had any previous pregnancies.

Secondary infertility is diagnosed when a couple has had one child or one pregnancy and are having trouble conceiving for a second time.

Unexplained infertility refers to a diagnosis when the physician can't find any viable reason why conception isn't taking place. The diagnostic tests used to determine reasons behind infertility are normal and there doesn't seem to be any diagnosable explanation. For a more in-depth understanding of the diagnosing of infertility, you can begin by seeing your primary care physican (PCP) or ob-gyn, who can refer you to a specialist.

PART TWO

Tips and Tools for Those Who Suffer From Infertility

1) Recognize that you and your husband are already a family. Often in the church, we think children equals family. But children alone don't make a family. Love does that. If you're working on creating love in your home, you are a family. This may be hard to internalize when we receive messages that make us feel as if we're incomplete without children. But your ability to reproduce doesn't determine your worth or the love the Lord has for you. His love and the love you have to offer is part of your personal and sacred legacy.

2) At your own pace, consider exploring and grieving your current loss. Because of the cyclic nature of infertility and reproductive trauma, our emotions are often on a roller coaster of anxiety, anger, disappointment, sadness, uncertainty, and fragile hope. Sometimes the biggest feeling of all is one of betrayal. We often wonder how our body can refuse to do the one thing it was made to do--conceive and bare children. These tender feelings can often be accompanied by grief.

Sometimes, we try to resist these feelings and the grief and mourning that accompany them because grief is a complicated experience often associated with death and dying. To grieve may feel like giving up, and that's scary, but there's a different way to look at it.

It's also important to understand that grief will be experienced differently, depending on the trauma it's associated with. Someone whos' struggling with infertility will experience different grief than someone who's had a lost a baby to stillbirth. Grief can even feel differently for those who've experienced late-term miscarriage as opposed to those who've miscarried earlier in their pregnancy.

Being willing to grieve your current situation surrounding reproductive trauma isn't about resignation or closure. Instead, it's about learning to tune into and acknowledge what's painful in this moment, so it can be appropriately recognized and treated with gentle self-compassion.

This doesn't mean you will alway grieve, but be willing to make space within yourself when those feelings come calling. Grief and mourning are healthy ways to open yourself to comfort (Matthew 5:4), which is imperative to healing and discovering joy. If you're having a normal grief experience--where your feelings are raw and painful but you're not living in constant despair--you'll find that by making room for your sadness you are actually clearing space for emotional healing.

3) Remind yourself that infertility is not your fault. Often, when faced with the denial of a righteous desire, we can wonder what sin or misdeed we've perpetrated to close the heavens. Sometimes, we're even asked this question by well-meaning but thoughtless (read nosy) family or ward members. But infertility is not a punishment for wrongdoing. Heaven doesn't work that way.

The Lord loves you. His only interest is to have you come home to him after this earthly schooling. You Heavenly Father knows how best to serve you, which He manifests in offering the gift of His only Begotten Son. Christ's Atonement is our best chances for healing from the suffering and pain that comes from infertility, and the Lord fully desires us to utilize it (Alma 7:11-13). He is infinite in His love and His vision, and He knows the goodness of your soul and strength of your spirit. We can help Him in this effort by dimantling the shame, stigma, and faultfinding that comes with infertility.

4) Find a purpose outside of children. I was in my 20s when I learned my condition was "unexplained infertility," which is basically a diagnosis without a diagnosis. The doctors had no idea why I couldn't get pregnant. Because my infertility condition was unexplained, I held on to hope that someday, I'd get pregnant. I had never thought beyond becoming a mother, and I wasted a lot of time trying to figure out my life while waiting for that hoped-for pregnancy. I put off the idea of applying myself toward other worthy goals and desires, such as education, fostering worthwhile talents, or finding fulfilling work. I didn't want to commit to something meaningful and then have to quit if I became pregnant. This kept me from starting my education until I was 47 years old and had completely given up any hope of having a child. Looking back, I see the shortsightedness of this approach. My life wouldn't "begin" with pregnancy. My life was unfolding every day and becoming a mom didn't require other worthwhile goals to be abandoned.

Whatever your personal situation or diagnosis may be, don't put off other life goals or pursuits. Move forward with your education. Find your dream job. Take on that new hobby. The Lord has a purpose designed for you right now! Take Him up on it, and you might discover that in spite of this trial, you'll be surprised by moments of peace.

5) Counsel with the Lord in everything (Alma 37:37) and rely on His wisdom (Alma 29:8). After my initial diagnosis, I began infertility treatments which require the use of a well-known fertility drug. I took this medication for three months, becoming severely ill with every possible side effect, without getting pregnant. I was discouraged when my physician told me we needed to double the dose of this medication. In that moment, something whispered to me that I shouldn't continue treatment, so I told the doctor to wait before writing the prescription.

I spent quite a bit of time in contemplation and prayer and received the inspiration that I was to discontinue all infertility treatment. I was shocked and heartbroken. This was my best chance of getting pregnant, and I didn't understand why the Lord wanted me to stop this all important effort. It had taken me months to get into this program, and my insurance was paying for it. None of it made sense. It took a great deal of faith to listen to that still small voice, but I did so. I dropped out of the program.

Several weeks later, a new medical study came out stating that women who had taken this drug for over three months without a pregnancy had a greater risk of ovarian cancer. In that moment, I understand the Lord knew all things, and because of this, He knew what was best for me. Even though this was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made, and there was still a high degree of heartache and uncertainty, I found comfort in knowing the Lord was always on my side, even if a desired blessing was being denied.

There are more choices for infertile couples today. Prayerfully discuss all options with your spouse and the Lord, including fostering, adoption, infertility treatments or doing nothing. Let the Lord guide and direct your path

(Proverbs 3:5-6). As our Counselor, He can help us consider all options, including children, when it comes to our eternal family.

6) Advocate for yourself and what you need. If you have friends or family who are also trying to get pregnant but have not struggled with infertility or reproductive trauma, consider having a conversation with them to let them know that your journey will be different from theirs. Communicate with them about how you'd like to hear the news if they become pregnant. Do you want a private text? Would you like to chat face-to-face online or have a phone call? Would you like to meet for lunch? Do you want an invitation to their baby shower or other celebrations? Hearing about a friend's pregnancy in a group setting or on social media can be excrutiating. You want to be happy for your friend, but there can be a rush of difficult emotions that maybe you'd prefer to process in a different setting. By tailoring the news to fit your circumstances, you can lessen the impact that can come from a friend's announcement and celebration. This is just one example but consider having an honest and heartfelt discussion with your friends and family about what you need.

7) Find a way to talk about your experience--but choose wisely. Not everyone can be helpful in these circumstances. It's the same with other trials. Some folks have a hard time understanding depression, anxiety, illness, loss, or a host of other difficulties. So, consider carefully who will be a good fit for what you want to share. If you're not comfortable talking about it, you may want to start processing your experience by writing about your feelings in a journal.

Another option when it comes to talking with others may include joining a community for women who are dealing with infertility or reproductive trauma. This can include primary and secondary infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth, birthing complications and any experience that is outside of the normal reproduction process. (There are some resources at the bottom of this page.) In the Church, we often feel alone with this burden. Everywhere we turn, we're faced with conversations, lessons, talks, and activities that revolve around children and parenting.

As Latter-day Saint women, we're taught that motherhood is the pinnacle of womanhood. For those of us who can't have children, we're often left feeling alone, incomplete, and inadequate, as if we're not a woman in the fullest sense of the word. These experiences can make attending church difficult, as well as strain marriages and other family relationships.

If your feelings are morphing from sadness into despair or depression, or you're having a hard time managing the day-to-day tasks of your life, then it might be time to consider talking with a professional. Please, seek help if you're overwhelmed, if your marriage or family life is under pressure, if you're having a difficult time coping with the stress of reproductive trauma, if you're experiencing thoughts of suicide, or if you just need a safe space to unload.

I hope you've found these tips helpful, and I hope you'll read on for more tips that include how your friends and family can help and the things that they might want to avoid. I've also included some resources at the bottom of this page.

PART THREE: FRIENDS AND FAMILY:

Some Things Help and Some Things Don't

DON'T DO THIS

1.) Don't complain about your pregnancy or your kids. Your friend who is struggling with infertility, wouldn't necessarily enjoy morning sickness or cleaning projectile vomit any more than you. But your complaints are a painful reminder of the many blessings she doesn't currently enjoy.

2.) Avoid discussing your birthing stories. Women struggling with infertility understand that there's a bond that comes when women share this incredible journey of birth. But for those who aren't part of that bond, when birthing stories are shared, the energy in the conversation immediately shifts to one of exclusion. (See more under 4 in the next section.)

3.) Don't joke about infertility or your friend's inability to get pregnant. This should be a no-brainer, but I've heard women report that they've been told things such as, "Maybe you should stand on your head after sex." Lol. Or, "You'll probably need a whole lot of practice." Haha. "Try the back seat of the car." Yeah. Okay.

4.) Don't push your friend to go to church. Instead, get curious about her absence. "We missed you. What kept you from coming to church today? Do you want to talk about it?"

5.) Don't minimize your friend's experience or try to make them feel better. Comments such as, "You're so lucky. You get to sleep through the night." Or, "I wish I could go on vacation anytime." aren't helpful. Many folks don't sleep through the night, with or without a baby, and chances are your friend doesn't get to go on vacation anytime she wants.

6.) Don't take it personally if your friend seems inconsistent in her desire to talk about her struggle. There may be days when she needs to vent, share, or just talk about her experience. And there may be other days when she doesn't want to discuss it. Maybe she's on the edge of an ugly cry or she'd prefer not to think about it for a few minutes. If you give her space to share or offer the opportunity to talk, and she chooses not to, it's okay. Ask again on another day.

7.) Don't question your friend's decision to stop infertility treatment. Most couples who come to this decision don't do so lightly. Instead, offer unconditional support. (See more under 6 in the next section.)

8.) Don't offer advice, especially cliched advice. "Just relax." "Go on vacation." "My cousin's best friend tried..." "Just give it time." For Latter-day Saint women, unwanted advice can take even a more painful bend. "Have you tried praying more often?" "Maybe you need a blessing." "You need to strengthen your faith." "Maybe God doesn't want you to be a mother." None of this is helpful, and in fact it causes a woman diagnosed with infertility to feel judged and stigmatized. Anytime we question someone's spirituality, we're putting ourselves in the position of knowing more about them and their relationship with God than they do. Don't go there.

DO THIS INSTEAD

1.) Research infertility, and when it feels right, ask your friend about her specific treatment. This shows investment and that you care.

2.) If you're trying to become pregnant, check with your friend who is going through infertility prior to your pregnancy to know how she'd like to learn about your good news. This conversation might be hard to have, but it can save a friendship. You might want to approach her by telling her that you and your husband are trying to have a baby. If you get pregnant before she does, how would you like for her to learn the news? This gives her the opportunity to work through her feelings without onlookers. Even if you choose to share on social media, reach out to your friend first, so she isn't blindsided by your announcement. When one friend gets pregnant and another can't, this can create a terrible sense of loss for the one strugging with infertility. By telling your friend about your pregnancy in private, you'll allow her to settle into the new dynamic of your friendship and help keep the friendship intact.

3.) Talk about other things you have in common. Do you both practice yoga? Do you both love to write, read the same books, or enjoy cooking or baking? Do you have similiar jobs? Find these common elements of your friendship and talk about them.

4.) Include your friend in group conversations by talking about things that aren't focused on children, child-rearing, or pregnancy.

5.) Check in if you don't hear from your friend. Connection with others helps guard against depression and anxiety. If you've noticed a change in your friend's communication habits, check in.

6.) Offer support if infertility treatments need to stop for any reason, including financial considerations, lack of progress, relationship or marital pressure, mental and physical exhaustion, or they've just decided to give it up. A visit and the ability to be emotionally available can help your friend weather the turbulence that comes from the infertility journey.

By putting some thought, effort, care, and compassion into your friendship, you'll be able to offer your friend a safe harbor in the middle of a difficult journey.

PART FOUR

RESOURCES

Blog posts, podcasts, YouTube videos, and articles:

Psychologists Explain Why Reproductive Trauma Is A Deep and Complicated Form of Trauma

Trauma and the Reproductive Story

Podcast, Brave and Curious, Dr. Lara Shahine

https://www.youtube.com/c/DrLoraShahine

Websites:

https://reproductivepsych.org/trauma/ Center for Reproductive Trauma, including infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth, "or any event or feeling that goes beyond the ranage of usual human experience."

Support and advocacy https://resolve.org/

National Infertility Awareness https://www.infertilityawareness.org/

American Society for Reproductive Medicine https://www.asrm.org/

Society for Assisted Reproductive Technology https://www.sart.org/

https://www.emptycradle.org/ A non-profit serving families who've lost a baby to miscarriage, stillbirth, infant death, TFMR, SIDS or SUID.

Social Media:

None of the pages mentioned are endorsed by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Latter-day Saint infertility support group--Facebook

Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saint Secondary Infertility Support--Facebook

LDS Infertility Support Group--Instagram

infertile.lds.woman--Instagram

I don't belong to Tik Tok, but it might be another avenue for support. If you don't see the type of support you would like to engage in, consider starting your own support group.

I do not endorse any of these websites, social media sites, blog posts, podcasts, videos or articles. I provide

them as a service for your information.