Your Holiday Bill of Rights

As much as we’d like to believe that holidays are filled with joy and happy reunions, this isn’t always the case. For some, the holiday season is filled with uncomfortable and difficult family time, creating stress and anxiety. These difficult experiences can range from bullying and abuse to less obvious moments such as unrealistic expectations of you and your family or quiet demands of others that you show up in a way that is taxing.

In working with clients who have struggled during this time of year, I’ve come up with what I call Your Holiday Bill of Rights. These ten points are to help you realize that you don’t have to put up with bad, abusive, or demanding behavior from others for the sake of family. You can choose a different path.

You Holiday Bill of Rights

1)      You have the right to be an observer and not a participant in someone else’s drama. You are not required to take sides, calm others down, or make concessions in order to keep the peace because of someone else’s drama.

2)      You have the right to set boundaries around:

a.       What behavior is acceptable to you

b.      How others will talk to you

c.       How others treat your kids.

       If these boundaries are crossed you have the right to choose how you’ll stay safe. This means you have the right to:

a.       Leave

b.      Address the behavior with firm compassion.

Firm compassion is:

a. Being clear about your boundaries with yourself and others. 

b. Treating others with dignity and empathy

c. Trying to understand the other

d. Understanding the other’s behavior does not mean you have to allow the behavior or abandon your boundaries

3)      You have the right to protect your children from:

a.       Bullying by other children or adults

b.      Unwanted physical contact. Does Uncle tickle a child who doesn’t like it? Does Grandma demand hugs that your kids are reluctant to give?

c.       Undesired attention or teasing.

4)      You have a right to put a stop to:

a.       Being ridiculed

b.      Being made fun of

c.       Unwanted teasing or joking aimed at you for any reason.

5)      You have a right to be talked to with respect.

a.       Consider what respect looks like to you.

6)      You have the right to not participate in any family tradition you find hurtful, distasteful, or disrespectful to yourself or others.

7)      You have the right to say “no” to any family or friend gathering for any or no reason.

8)      You have the right to leave a family or friend gathering whenever you feel you’re ready to go for whatever reason. This can include work schedules, other family needs, fatigue, or self-care.

a.       Can you name some other reasons why you’d like to leave a family or friend gathering?

9)      You have a right to peace during the holidays.

10)  You have a right to joy during the holidays.

Action Point: When considering your Holiday Bill of Rights, focus on one that feels doable. Type or write it out on a piece of paper and place it in your pocket or purse during your visit. Refer to it if the need arises to help you remember your rights.